


Say No To This

by robertstanion



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Other, Songfic, based on my crack theory, crackfic, help im sorry, howard goodman likes puppies, i tried to write this months ago, im being SATIRE I SWEAR, sniggles are puppies, song: Say No To This - Hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:29:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: john mcnamara ends up in the black and white and finds out everything that happened to wilbur the day he went "insane"
Relationships: Wilbur Cross/Tickle Me Wiggly
Comments: 10
Kudos: 7





	Say No To This

**Author's Note:**

> help :D
> 
> also shout out to lunar

There was a new presence in The Black and White. One unfamiliar that could expose their world for what it was. The presence took form as a human being with long golden hair, and, without a suit, he was determined to die. He trudged through the realm, searching for the president the best that he could. There wasn’t an ounce of a song or a bearing of green like he’d hoped. No. There was darkness, and there was emptiness, and there was blood on the floor. The thought of remaining at HQ crossed his mind, but he decided firmly against the latter because the president was in danger, wasn’t he? Or else…why would he be doing this.

He kept walking, and walking, for what felt like eternity, until he heard shrieks of laughter from the left of him. He whipped his head around and saw a distant green flash. Worried for Goodman’s safety, he picked up the pace, his boots splashing blood up on to the cuffs of his work jeans. He ran, and he ran, and he ran. He approached some sort of door that he braced himself against, slamming his body into it to open it, and yet the sight he saw was one he hadn’t expected at all.

On the floor was Howard Goodman, helmet off, stroking the belly of a green dressed human being with pom poms bobbling on a headband. On a chair was a humanesque creature covered lime green fur with bright blue eyes, and laying in the lap of the thing was….was Wilbur Cross, his old mentor.

“What the _FUCK?!”_

That drew all attention to John, and Wilbur sprung up, sitting in his own chair. “Ah, John! I see you joined the party!”

“No, I’m sorry, what the _fuck?!”_ He repeated, as Wilbur stood and put his denim jacket back on. “Y-Howard get off the floor.”

“But-“ Howard went to protest until sighing. He pet the Sniggle on the head and stood, going back to John’s side.

“Is this what you do in here, is it? Act like this is a circus?”

“No, John. Not at all.” Wilbur rolled his eyes. “I got told I’d be deemed insanity by your coworkers and I got pushed through the portal. They told you that, after I came out the portal I wasn’t Wilbur Cross, just a shell of the Colonel who mentored you. I’ve always been Wilbur Cross, I just had my heart enlightened.” He walked over to the figure of Wiggly and scratched under his chin. “This is what really happened…”

* * *

“Godspeed, sir.” One of the agents said before Wilbur walked through the portal, tablet in hand. His main goal was to figure out _what_ was in there and get home to John. John had been through so much, it wasn’t fair to go on a suicide mission such as this one alone, but novody else had wanted to do it. There he was, treading through a very thick liquid, ensuring he got the notes he needed and then left.

Suddenly, without a warning, there was the noise of a violin that played from nearby. Reasonably, Wilbur called out, looking around him. When he looked forward, there was a woman in a long white dress with long white hair, her back turned to him. He noticed there were now blue spores dancing in the realm with him. He put the tablet on record just in case. He thought he’d be alone, but there was a girl in there with him. Maybe PEIP had underestimated The Black and White again.

“There’s nothing like summer in the city,” the girl spoke, and Wilbur took the chance of walking forward towards her. “Someone under stress meets someone looking pretty.” Wilbur, once again, moved forward, and looked at the girl, slowlyfeeling some sort of rhythm in his blood. “There’s trouble in the air, you can smell it. And Colonel Cross is by himself…I’ll let him tell it.” The figure turned. She didn’t _just_ have the appearance of a girl, more of a spider, with six yellowy orange eyes and eight arms, one of which holding a microphone. As she walked away, petending her presence wasn’t something unoridinary, he found himself singing lyrics that he didn’t realise had beenthere all that time.

_“I hadn’t slept in a week, I was weak, I was awake.”_ That was true. The lead up to the mission had been antagonising and he’d hated every moment he’d had to wait for it. It left him paranoid and nauseous. _“You’ve never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break.”_ Rude, he thought, but he was powerless. _“Longing for Miss Holloway, missing my son, that’s when Tickle-Me Wiggly wanted to have some fun, he said-“_

In front of him appeared a green humanoid creature covered in green fur. His circular eyes had red around the edges, the whites were a brilliant yellow, and his irises were blue. His pupils were wide, and his dark green eyebrows furrowed. The tentacles on his face moving as he spoke. _“I know you awe a man or honwo. I’m so sowwy to bothew you at home but I down’t know whewe to go and I came hewe aww awone.”_

“He said?” Wilbur asked, watching as the octopus-like creature shuffled forward.

_“My sibwings doin’ me wong, beatin’ me, cheatin’ me, mistweatin me. Suddenwy they up and gone. I don’t have the means to go on….”_

“So I offered him a loan,” Wilbur continued, hooking his arm with the green creature. “I offered to walk ‘im home, he said.”

_“You’we too kind, siw.”_

“I have ‘im thirty bucks that I had socked away, he lived a block away, he said.”

_“This one’s mine, siw.”_

“Then I said, ‘well, I should head back home-‘” He said and tried to leave, walking backwards to locate the portal. The camera on the tablet was still rolling which meant anyone at HQ would be able to see the surreal situation he’d gotten himself in to. “He turned red, he led me to his bed, let his legs spread and said-“

_“Stay…”_ The figure asked and dropped the sleeves to the dress, them now resting on his upper arms, showing a bit more chest.

Wilbur bit his lip and tried to fight the song but gave up. _“Hey…”_

_“Hey…”_ Wiggly asked, continuing to move out of the dress as Wilbur’s eyes widened, completely transfixed.

_“That’s when I began to pray, ‘Lord, show me how to say no to this.’ I don’t know how to say no to this. But, my God, he looks so helpless. And his body’s saying ‘hell yes-‘”_

_“Whoa!”_ Wiggly sang and sat on the floor, looking at Wilbur as he walked forward, dropping the jacket to the floor. He managed to stop himself and stood. _“No, show me how to say no to this. I don’t know how to say no to this. In my mind, I’m trying to go! Then his mouth is on mine and I don’t say-“_

A wall appeared behind him that he was pressed against, held there by the alien, and he then experienced the weirdest kiss he’d ever had in his life time. There were chants from around him of other people, but he wasn’t exactly sure where they were coming from. Wilbur pulled away, _knowing_ he had to get out of there and get back to PEIP. His mouth tasted of blood. He _hated_ this…yeah he hated it.

_“I wish I could say that was the last time-“_ he shot the creature a confused look, and Wiggly meerly shrugged. _“I said that last time, it became a pastime. A month into this endeavour, I received a letter from a mister T’noy Kar- even better, it said!”_

Another figure, dressed in yellow fur with goat horns, bucked teeth and uneven eyes, stepped into view, holding a note and a tablet, reading them both. “Dear sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pcokets of people like _me_ down on their luck. You see that was my brother you decided to-“

“FUCK!” Wilbur cried out, making the connection between the two.

“Uh oh! You made the wrong sucker a cuckold. So time to pay the piper for the pants you unbuckled! And hey! You can keep seeing my brother if the price is right, if not, I’m telling your son!” He handed the note to Wilbur before vanishing.

_“I hid the letter and I raced to his space, screamed ‘HOW COULD YOU?!’ in his face, he said-“_

_“No Siw!”_ Wiggly cried, tears trickling down his face. He’d attempted to put the dress back on, but had clearly gotten a little bit muddled up.

_“Half dressed, apologetic, a mess, he looked pathetic he cried!”_

_“Pwease don’t go, siw!”_

“So was your whole story a setup?” He snarled at the God, getting down to his level.

“I don’t know about any lettew!” He argued, but Wilbur shook his head, pointing at him.

“Stop crying, goddammit, get up!”

“I didn’t know any bettew!” he blubbered as he got up, and Wilbur shook his head.

“I am ruined, how could I do this?!” He asked himself. He’d get mocked for _years_ if PEIP found out and then- shit. Whoever the goat god was had the tablet. They’d be able to see it all.

“ _Pwease don’t leave me with them, hewpwess! Just give them what they want and you can have me!”_ Wiggly said as he rose from the floor, picking up the skirt of the dress.

“I don’t want you! I don’t want you!” Wilbur argued, but Wiggly’s smile turned sinister.

“ _Whatevew you want, if you pay you can stay!”_

All of a sudden, Wiggly ripped the dress off of himself and pounced on Wilbur. After whatever happened between them happened, Wilbur got up and dressed himself. “So?”

_“Nobody needs to know…”_ Wiggly said and stayed laying face down.

* * *

“And therefore the Sniggles are my biological children, I have a sexual relationship with an eldritch god, and they call _me_ insane!” Wilbur laughed and looked at John.

John had always wanted the truth about what happened that day. He pushed Goodman out of the portal and looked at Wilbur, saluting to him before fading out of existence, dead. Thank all that’s mighty as well, because if he had to put up with someone pining for god one more time-

**Author's Note:**

> anyways its basically canon peip watched wiggly fug-
> 
> also i promise this is satire
> 
> also hi why is this the first fic i write under the name "spectre" this is so fucking dumb


End file.
